


i get drunk off one sip just so i can adore you

by shorttemperedproteancreator



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: (it turns into a real one), Alexander deserves better!!!!, Angst, College AU, Eating Disorder, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Jefferson's mom is gr8, M/M, Meeting the Parents, Panic Attacks, Self Harm, Sharing a Bed, more tags will be added as i update
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-14 03:21:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10527783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shorttemperedproteancreator/pseuds/shorttemperedproteancreator
Summary: Thomas told his family he has a boyfriend, which is a lie. He asks Alexander to pretend to be his boyfriend because he thinks it could be the first step towards a real relationship.





	1. anybody else wanna touch my lover?

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if I'm gonna put angst in here, because it honestly wasn't even meant to be a college au. Work title and chapter title are from Adore by Amy Shark.

Alexander looked up at the sound of someone tapping the table in front of him. He was in the library, typing an essay that wasn't due for almost a month.

“Hamilton.” Thomas cleared his throat awkwardly. “I know we hate each other, but I need some help.” He spoke with a slight grimace, which made Alexander smirk.

“Continue.” Alexander said, closing his laptop to look Thomas in the eyes, just making the taller man even more uncomfortable. Thomas swallowed heavily before he started to speak.

“So, ah, as you know, it's Christmas time. I'm going home to Virginia, but the thing is, I told my family I have a boyfriend?” It was known through the school that Thomas was gay, and most people just accepted it. “And I can't bring home someone they've met before, which is why I can't take Madison. So, I guess I'm asking you to be my fake boyfriend for a few weeks?” Thomas bit his lip and sighed.

Alexander was a bit taken aback, that wasn't the question he was expecting. Especially not from Thomas, his biggest adversary, at least when it came to their debate class “I know, it seems unprofessional, but there's things in it for you!” Thomas added quickly. “We all know you never go on vacation, like how last year you actually forgot it was Christmas until you realized Laurens had gone home. This is your chance to get off campus for a little while. And, I'm sure my mother will be absolutely intent on spoiling you with food and gifts.”

Alexander still wasn't convinced. “You'll owe me. Big time.” He said thoughtfully, leaning back in his chair. Thomas nodded and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Alright. Fine, I'll be your fake boyfriend.”

Thomas smiled happily. “Thank you, Hamilton. I really do owe you. We leave in three days.” Thomas said in a suspiciously happy voice before leaving the library. Alexander held his head in his hands and sighed. What on Earth had he just got himself into?

_______________________________________________________ 

Three days came and went, and suddenly Thomas was standing at the front door of Alexander's apartment. “Are you ready to go?” He asked, leaning in the doorway. Alexander was a little taken aback by the fact that Thomas was just wearing casual clothes. In the time they'd known each other, he'd never seen him in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt.

“Uh, yeah. I've got my bag, and I also picked up gifts for your mom and sisters. Figured, if I'm gonna pretend to be your boyfriend I should pretend to be a good boyfriend.” Alexander said with a goofy smile. He picked up his suitcase and a large department store bag, which had the gifts in it, then shouldered past Thomas to get outside.

Thomas's car was parked on the street. Alexander set his bags on the curb as he waited impatiently for Thomas to come unlock it. Thomas opened the trunk so Alex could put his bags in, then unlocked the doors and got in the driver's seat.

“So, we need to be on the same page, here.” Thomas began once Alexander had sat down in the passenger seat and they'd started their journey. “Obviously, we'll have to call each other by our first names. Nicknames are acceptable as well.” 

Alexander rolled his eyes. “We met at the beginning of first semester in Washington's class. Didn't start dating until second semester. Make up something about how you had the hots for me, I don't care.” Thomas continued, keeping his eyes on the road.

“There was something so dreamy about how I always beat him in debates.” Alexander mocked, looking rather pleased with himself.

“Just, be nice. Convince them we're really together.” Thomas said with a roll of his eyes. Alexander turned on the radio.

_______________________________________________________ 

Halfway through the drive, Alexander fell asleep. Thomas let him, grateful to have some quiet. The younger man hadn't shut up for nearly the entire drive, either singing along to the radio or just rambling about anything he could think of. Thomas found it kind of endearing, really, which was the reason he'd asked Alexander to be his fake boyfriend. Not because he couldn't find anyone else, but because he was actually interested in Alexander.

It was dark by the time they got to Thomas's family home in Virginia. “Alexander, wake up.” Thomas said softly. Alexander whined softly, and Thomas just rolled his eyes. “Fine, then, I'll just carry you in.” He said with a laugh, getting out and going around the car. He opened the door and lifted Alexander, which wasn't difficult considering his size.

The front door was unlocked, and Thomas walked in to find that he was the last one there. His mom, Jane, and his sisters, Mary, Elizabeth, Lucy, and Anna, where all sitting in the kitchen, talking. Thomas waved as he went to set Alexander on the couch, then went to join them.

“Was that Alexander? Is he asleep?” Thomas's mother asked as she embraced him tightly. Thomas hugged her back before sitting down next to Mary, his older sister.

“Yeah. I'd wake him up, but he hardly ever sleeps anyway.” Thomas said with a shrug. “I'm sure he'll wake up on his own soon enough.”

Thomas's mom got him a cup of tea, then sat back down. The six of them talked for a while, just catching each other up on everything. Anna was on her last year of highschool, and had just been accepted to Harvard. Lucy was going to study abroad in Paris like Thomas had, and Elizabeth had been accepted to med school. Mary was getting married in four months. Just as Thomas started talking about school, Alexander walked into the room, rubbing his eyes.

“Hey, sleeping beauty.” Thomas said with a chuckle, naturally sliding into the role of boyfriend. “Come ‘ere.” He said, gesturing to the empty spot beside him.

“Not so fast!” Jane said with a laugh, standing up and going to hug Alexander. “It's so nice to meet you, dear. Would you like some tea? Coffee?” She asked as she pulled away. Alexander nodded shyly.

“Coffee, please.” He said quietly as he sat down next to Thomas. Thomas smiled a little and leaned over towards Alexander, kissing his temple.

“‘Lex, these are my sisters. Mary, is the oldest, then Elizabeth, Lucy, who's your age, and Anna is the youngest.” Thomas said, pointing to each of them. Alexander nodded and yawned. “Wait until he's had his coffee, he's a chatterbox.” Thomas said affectionately.

About an hour later, they all agreed it was time to retire to bed. Thomas went out to his car, getting their suitcases but leaving the gifts in the trunk, knowing his sisters could be nosy. Alexander and Thomas were going to be staying in Thomas's old bedroom. Though sharing a bed wasn't ideal, they had to if they wanted to keep up appearances.

After changing into pajamas, which consisted of a pair of dark sweatpants and no shirt, Thomas climbed into bed. Alexander was typing something out on his phone, which made Thomas roll his eyes. “Just go to sleep, Alexander.” He grumbled. Alexander went quiet, and a few minutes later he settled in bed next to Thomas wearing a baggy hoodie and some flannel pajama pants.

“Goodnight, Alex.” Thomas said tiredly, drifting off to sleep. Alexander said nothing, and a few seconds later Thomas heard him snoring softly.


	2. you're hard to hug, tough to talk to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander freaks out, and he's also a lil sad because he likes Thomas a whole lot. Things are mostly okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too much angst yet? Things will get worse, I promise!

“Trying to steal my man, Lucy?” Thomas asked with a teasing tone as he wrapped his arms around Alexander from behind. Thomas had woken up after Alexander, who had someone managed to get dressed and get downstairs without waking him.

“Of course not, I'm not Mary.” Lucy said with a laugh. When Thomas had been a junior in highschool and Mary had been a senior, his boyfriend of five months had dumped him for her. They'd fought about it for months, but it was mostly a joke among the siblings now.

Alexander leaned back slightly into Thomas and smiled. “Morning. Lucy and I were just talking about you, actually.” He said with a smirk.

“Oh, God. She didn't tell you anything too embarrassing did she?” Thomas asked, biting his lower lip. He actually did intend on getting with Alexander at some point, and if his sisters ruined it he might actually kill them.

“No. We were just talking about how pretentious you get whenever you talk about France.” Alexander said with a smirk.

“I am not pretentious!” Thomas groaned. He smiled a little, detaching himself from Alexander and going to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. His mother was in the kitchen, making pancakes, and Thomas kissed her cheek. “Good morning, mom.” He said as he started his coffee.

“Did you and Alexander sleep well, dear?” Jane asked as she watched the pancakes intently. Thomas smiled slightly. 

“Yeah, we did. I kinda missed that old room, oddly enough.” Thomas said with a light laugh.

Meanwhile, Alexander was pretty sure he was on the verge of a mental breakdown. He'd had a crush on Thomas since he first laid eyes on the man. The only reason he argued so passionately with the other man was to get his attention. Now he was seeing what it would be like to really be dating Thomas, and the pit of his stomach told him he would never experience this for real. When Thomas hugged him from behind, Alexander actually thought he might throw up.

He should've never agreed to this, he told himself bitterly. He was just going to end up getting his hopes up, and now things were forever going to be awkward between him and Thomas. Not to mention, he wasn't sure if he could handle knowing what it felt like to be kissed by and hugged by Thomas, and then never get that again.

The night before had been especially hard. Alexander didn't sleep at all, staying on the far side of the bed so he didn't touch Thomas. At one point he'd considered texting John to pick him up, but he wasn't in the mood for a lecture from his best friend, who didn't even know he'd agreed to do this.

“Everything alright?” Thomas asked, walking into the living room with a cup of coffee and sitting next to Alexander on the couch. Alexander bit his lip.

“Just fine.” He replied after a moment with a reassuring smile.

_______________________________________________________

Alexander made it through the first half of the day without any problems, over than the taste of bile lingering in the back of his mouth whenever Thomas touched him. But then, of course something came along to mess with him, and Thomas kissed him. On the lips, in front of his whole family.

“Uh, excuse me for a sec.” Alexander said with a nervous laugh, before he all but sprinted into the bathroom and locked the door.

This couldn't be happening. This wasn't supposed to happen, Alexander could not be having a panic attack in Thomas Jefferson's bathroom. He kept telling himself that, but it wasn't helping. He had no clue how long he was in there, but it was long enough that Thomas came to check on him. “Alex? You alright?” He asked, knocking lightly on the door.

Alexander got up, unlocking the door with shaking hands. “Uh, maybe not? I'm sorry. I think I'm having a panic attack?” He said awkwardly, sitting back down on the closed toilet seat. He couldn't breathe quite right, and his heart was racing.

“Shit. Is there anything I can do?” Thomas asked, stepping into the bathroom and shutting the door. Alexander swallowed and shrugged.

“Just- can you just sit here? Is that weird?” Alexander asked, digging his nails into his palms and letting out a shaky breath. He was being such an idiot, he told himself.

“No, no problem. I can sit here.” Thomas sat down on the floor, leaning his back against the wall.

“I'm being stupid, this is stupid. I don't even know why I'm freaking out.” Alexander laughed awkwardly, picking at a loose thread on his jeans.

Thomas shook his head. “You're not being stupid, okay? Just breathe as deep as you can.” He said, breathing really exaggeratedly and waiting for Alexander to follow his example. Alexander did, and eventually he was feeling a little better.

“Sorry.” Alexander muttered awkwardly as he stood up. Thomas rolled his eyes.

“It's fine, okay? Just tell me next time instead of hiding in the bathroom by yourself for twenty minutes.” He said with a soft smile that made Alexander melt. This was such a nightmare. Less than twenty four hours in and he'd already messed up. On the other hand, Thomas also sounded pretty genuine, so maybe that was a good sign. Maybe he hadn't completely ruined his chances just yet.

When they returned to the kitchen, Thomas's hand on the small of Alexander's back, Mary and Elizabeth were washing the dishes from lunch at the sink, and there was a plate for Alex on the counter. “Your mom is a saint.” He said cheerfully, as though he hadn't just been hyperventilating in the bathroom, and started eating.

_______________________________________________________

That night, after everyone had gone to their rooms, and Alexander was watching Thomas get everything ready for bed, the air between the two of them seemed light, and easy, so Alexander figured this was a good time. “Thomas? I just wanted you to know, I don't hate you or anything. I mean, debating with you is really fun and you're always super wrong, but I don't hate you.” He said, looking at the floor instead of at Thomas.

Thomas chuckled. “I figured you didn't hate me, or else you wouldn't have agreed to come with me.” He said as he tied his hair back with a brightly colored hair tie. Alexander smiled a little, sitting down on the edge of the bed and yawning. “I don't hate you either, by the way. Although you do talk a lot. And, you are kind of annoying, and short, and-” Thomas was interrupted by Alexander throwing a pillow at him.

“Thanks for helping me earlier, with the panic attack thing? That was really cool of you. You're a good guy, Thomas Jefferson.” Alexander said with a dorky grin, flopping down and spreading out on the bed. Thomas laughed softly.

“Hey, I just did what anyone would do. I-” Thomas caught himself before continuing, because was he really about to tell Alexander Hamilton that he cared about him? No, he wasn't. “I just wanted to help.” Thomas said, quickly turning around to rummage in his suitcase so Alexander wouldn't see the flush on his face. 

“Well, thanks anyway. That's more than I'm used to.” Alexander shrugged, hanging his head off the bed and looking at Thomas upside down. “I'd elaborate, but you need to reach level five boyfriend to unlock that part of the story.” Thomas just laughed and rolled his eyes.

“I didn't realize you were this much of a walking meme.” Thomas remarked. He pulled on a soft looking black tee shirt, then grabbed Alexander's ankles and moved his body onto one side of the bed. He flipped the light off, then crawled into bed.

“Get some sleep, Alexander. And, uh, you can wake me up if you need anything.” Thomas said as he settled into bed, closing his eyes.

“I don't need anything from you, Thomas.” Alexander said, though his words carried a certain fondness with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Starring Role by Marina and the Diamonds. Also! My tumblr is nolongerqueen if you wanna follow me? I mostly post memes lol


	3. keep me in your skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas unlocks the tragic back story! Happy ending tho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!! Suicide attempt, self harm, and eating disorder mention!

This time, when Thomas woke up, Alexander was curled up against his side, and it was still a little dark outside, meaning it was obviously pretty early. He didn't move, looking down at Alexander with a soft smile on his face. The younger man looked almost angelic when he was sleeping, so relaxed and calm. Unlike when he was awake, he always had something on his mind when he was awake.

“Oh. Hi.” Thomas said, laughing a little to himself when he realized Alexander was staring up at him with wide eyes. Alexander wrinkled his nose and threw his arm over his face.

“Your breath stinks.” He grumbled, rolling onto his stomach and burying his face in the pillow. Thomas just laughed harder and laid back, staring at the ceiling. Alexander realized he should probably check his phone, considering he'd been too busy to do so for most of the day yesterday. His eyes widened when he realized he had twenty four unread texts, and eighteen missed calls. “Oh, shit.” He said with a soft laugh.

“What?” Thomas asked curiously, rolling onto his side to look at Alexander. The shorter man frowned as he held the phone to his ear, playing a voicemail that Thomas couldn't quite hear.

“So, uh, I forgot to tell my friends I was gonna be here. Apparently Lafayette stopped by my apartment to say goodbye before he went to France. Obviously I wasn't there, but he knows where I keep my spare key. I guess he told John and Hercules, and, uh, I think they think I got kidnapped or something?” Alexander sat up, running a hand through his hair as he started texting all of them back.

“They know you're a grown man, right?” Thomas asked with a grin, rolling onto his stomach and resting his head on his arms.

“Yeah, they're just protective. They have good reasons, I just… don't feel entirely okay with telling you why they're like that.” Alexander said without looking up from his phone.

“Oh. Tragic backstory?” Thomas asked, lifting his head slightly. Alexander nodded. “Figures. When do I get to unlock that part of the story, then?” He joked. Alexander looked thoughtful for a moment before answering.

“Level seven boyfriend. Which is obtained by first, being my boyfriend. Which you are not.” Alexander said factually, and Thomas wasn't sure why but that kinda hurt. He stopped himself from saying something stupid, like ‘we could change that,’ or ‘wait, I'm not?’ and just nodded.

“Yeah, okay. I'm gonna go shower, would you mind starting a pot of coffee?” Thomas asked, getting out of bed and grabbing some clothes from his suitcase. Alexander nodded silently, still tapping away at his phone, so Thomas just rolled his eyes and walked out. 

_______________________________________________________

After both boys had showered and changed, they went downstairs to find that everyone was still in bed. That's when Alexander had suggested they make breakfast, since the girls did all the cooking the day before.

Everything had been going well. The two were actually getting along, cooking quietly. While Alexander mixed the batter and poured it into the waffle maker, Thomas fried some bacon that they'd found in the fridge. “Watch out.” Thomas said, picking up the pan of hot bacon grease and going to pour it out. For some reason, Alexander took this to mean ‘back up’, and did just that, stepping right into Thomas, who in turn accidentally splashed the hot grease right down Alexander's shirt.

“Fuck!” Alexander yelled, immediately trying to take his shirt off to get the grease away from his skin. Thomas set the pan down and helped Alexander, helping him pull his shirt off then tossing it to the other end of the kitchen.

“I'm so s- my God.” Thomas whispered, covering his mouth. Alexander's entire upper body was covered in different scars, some obviously self inflicted, but others obviously not. “Alexander.”

Alexander froze, blinking a few times as his heart rate picked up and he could feel himself start panicking. “You- this wasn't- you weren't supposed to find out.” He said, his breath coming in ragged gasps. Thomas put his hand on Alexander's shoulder, and squeezed lightly.

“Alexander, breathe. Are you okay? Did I burn you?” Thomas asked, guiding Alexander to sit down on a barstool. Alexander sat down, shaking his head as he tried to catch his breath. “Alright, you're alright. I'm sorry, I should've been more careful.” He said with an apologetic wince.

“Not your fault.” Alexander mumbled, curling in on himself a little bit because he felt like Thomas was staring at him and it made his skin crawl. It was hard not to stare, though. The younger man was skin and bones, his chest and arms were marked with pale scar tissue.

“Go put on a shirt, okay? I'll finish breakfast.” Thomas said with a small smile, patting Alexander on the arm as he got up. Alexander got up and nodded silently, then got his sweater off of the floor and disappeared upstairs.

By the time Alexander came back, Thomas had finished the waffles and the bacon was cooling on the counter. That was fine, he'd figured Alexander would take a few minutes just to get himself together. Lucy and Elizabeth had come downstairs and were both eating, while Lucy listened to Elizabeth talk about school.

“Hey, you alright?” Thomas asked, rubbing Alexander's back and hugging him lightly. Alexander nodded, lingering in Thomas's arms for a little longer than was probably necessary, but he needed it, and Thomas let him.

Over the course of the next fifteen minutes, the rest of the family trickled in. Thomas leaned on the counter, watching as Alexander interacted with his family. He joked with Lucy, and animatedly talked and listened to Elizabeth, and even Mary seemed to like him. Anna hadn't fully warmed up to him yet, but Thomas figured it would only be a matter of time. Whenever Alexander talked, everyone would watch him and listen. It was almost too perfect, Thomas thought to himself. He and Alexander would be great together. But, of course, this was all just pretend. After the end of their vacation, the two boys would probably be right back at odds with each other. 

“Thomas, come eat with us!” Alexander said with a big grin, looking up at Thomas, and his heart just melted. God, how did he even get to be so in love with the boy who had originally been one of his biggest adversaries?

_______________________________________________________

“So, we're gonna go get a tree tomorrow. Is that okay with you?” Thomas asked Alexander. They were sitting on the couch in the empty living room. They'd originally been watching a movie with everyone else, but they'd kind of gone off to do their own thing. Alexander nodded silently, picking at a thread on the sleeve of his sweater. “Listen. I know you probably don't wanna talk about it, but I know we're both thinking about it, so I'm just gonna ask. What's the deal with those scars?”

Alexander bit his lip, and he seemed to be thinking for a while before he opened his mouth. It was weird, Thomas wasn't used to Alexander being quiet. “You can't tell people. I swear to God, if I find out you told someone I will set fire to everything you own.”

“I won't tell anyone, I promise. I thought you were an atheist, though.” Thomas teased, before quickly turning serious. “But really. I won't tell anyone. I'm not that big of an asshole.”

Alexander took a deep, shaky breath. “Okay. So, I was in foster care as a kid. Uh, my dad bailed when I was ten, my mom died when I was twelve. Being a gay nerd doesn't work out too well when you're in foster care, really? I also had awful panic attacks, so I was the weird kid crying in the corner and shaking. So, ya know, I got beat up. A lot. By the other kids, and the parents too.” Thomas rubbed Alexander's back lightly.

“And, I got really depressed. Things started becoming worse and worse, and I started cutting myself when I was thirteen. Then, uh, when I was fourteen, I tried to kill myself. Obviously that didn't work, right? So, I tried again in junior year of highschool. You know John Laurens? He's the one who found me. Called the ambulance. Tried again last year, but that was just stupid.” Alexander kept talking, seeming kind of numb about the entire experience.

“Now, I'm better, I guess. I don't really cut myself anymore. They have me on a lot of really heavy meds, but those upset my stomach so I don't really eat that much.” By the time Alexander finished, Thomas's eyes were wide with shock.

“Alexander… I had no idea.” Thomas said, feeling bad for being so insensitive towards him for the whole year. Alexander just shrugged.

“Most people don't, right? I'm a spitfire, I have good grades, I have friends.” He shook his head a little. “It's not your fault.”

“Can I hug you?” Thomas asked, biting his lip. Alexander nodded, leaning into Thomas's arms as Thomas hugged him tightly. He felt awful, for just assuming he knew about Alexander when he really didn't. “Does this mean I'm a level seven boyfriend?” He asked, trying to lighten the mood a little. Alexander laughed, his head on Thomas's chest.

“Yeah, I guess it does.” He said with a grin, looking down to hide the bright blush on his face.

“Bout time.” Thomas grumbled, rolling his eyes sarcastically.

So, maybe Alexander curled up against Thomas's chest before they fell asleep that night and maybe, Thomas let him. But it was still just pretend, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Crash by You Me at Six! Follow my tumblr @ nolongerqueen!


End file.
